You never have it all figured out..

You never have it all figured out.. figuring out one thing just leads to more of the unknown.

I haven't blogged for ~2 weeks because life has been great; I haven't really had anything to dissect and figure out. 

But just now, I've realized that I have become bored with my life. It's a pretty strange realization to come to. 

At the same time, though, it's sortof a good thing for me, because it means that i've reached a certain stage of stability. I don't live off of constant drama or boys or anything else that causes extreme fluctuations in excitement/frustration/analyzation. I still see-saw between extremes in a few areas of my life, but more in the "normal" areas (ie, getting fit/eating healthy for a week or two, and the opposite the next week) but those are self control issues. The other things were filling certain needs. 

All this is leading me to more questions.  Why do I thrive on excitement? 

1. Does it cover up an emptiness or camoflauge something I'm unhappy with? 

2. Is it just a characteristic of my personality? 

3. Am I afraid my life appears boring to certain people?

I think the third is causing me to realize & deal with the first two. So looking at myself from a (perceived) outside perspective made me realize that my life is boring and why that is. 

So first of all, I have the sort of personality that feels intense highs, followed by intense lows in emotion. My emotions don't naturally stay very stable. I guess the highs are so pleasurable that I used to further intensify them by wild/exciting activities. Of course, that always intensified the lows, too, because that's how emotions work; they always balance out.  

And secondly, I'm still battling  (or trying to avoid) whether to commit to my faith. That's the emptiness that I am reminded of when I look into my life and see lack of excitement about things. I used to have intense excitement about my spirituality because I felt like I was really living.

I'm not sure how to deal with "needing" more excitement in my life.. it usually ends up being destructive excitement. But I'm going to work on that faith of mine & work on finding real, quality excitement. 

Driver Improvement

This paragraph was really funny..

BETWEEN CROSSWALK
Every pedestrian crossing a roadway at any point other than the right place at the right time shall be guilty of a ticketable offense. Such a pedestrian is called a "jay walker", or stupid, dumb, or dead! There is one group of pedestrians who can never, ever jay walk. Blind pedestrians are required to walk in a crosswalk. In other words, blind persons can never jay walk. We drivers will want to yield not only to the blind pedestrians, but to the dumb ones as well.

So at first it sounds like you don't have to yield to pedestrians who are "dumb enough" to jay walk, but then it says you have to yield to them. And then it starts talking about blind people as if to focus on what they can't do.
How polite, MVA.

Another Epiphany

I figured them out! Boys, i mean. And they make so much more sense now...

I've never understood why most guys seem to get over girls with the snap of a finger. Well it's becoming clear to me that they actually protect their feelings alot more than girls do in the first place. We just put all our feelings out there, while guys tend to (in my experience, anyway) keep their affections invisible until they know it's safe to tell you things (and this tends to be never for you if you don't realize how males work).
That, plus, when they are hurt, they just don't show it. I guess alot of this is because of the way our society expects guys to look indestructable. So alot of them may look that way, but they really aren't on the inside.

where are all these epiphanies coming from, anyway? Don't know. 

Happy summer, good job for getting thru finals ppl!

Epiphany

So you know how one of my earlier posts this week was complaining about waking up feeling like I had a hangover? I figured out why, and it does have to do with sugar; see, sugar is hygroscopic, which means it attracts water. If you put sugar on an apple slice, it will form a puddle of water on the top, because the sugar pulls the water out. 

So too much sugar (especially right before bed) can cause similar symptoms as a hangover. That's because the classic hangover is actually caused by dehydration. This is why you can drink alot of alcohol, but as long you drink enough water or eat some fruit (fruits are high in water content) before bed, you won't have a hangover when you wake up.

Oh, and those times you've had way too much alcohol, drank on an empty stomach, or times that you've thrown up (alcohol related or not); the reason it takes around three days for your stomach to feel better is that your stomach cells replace themselves about every three days. So when you damage them, it takes around 3 days to get new ones. 

Yes, science can be fun.  :)

Oh Brother :)

I feel like I need to adopt a brother.

I grew up having an older brother. When I was young, I admired him so much that I tried to be just like him. I listened to "boy music" instead of girly music like my mom wanted me to. I tried to be cool like he was. I made friends with most of his friends. We annoyed eachother to no end, but when he left for college and rarely came back, I realized how much he meant to me. When he came back to visit, I was always really excited and would talk to him as long as he let me. Then I went off to college and then we finally got along and made our brother/sister relationship into something more like a friendship. I got really close to him because I could tell him things that my parents didn't approve of & things that my sister wouldn't understand.

And when he fell in like with the first girl that was good enough for him, he came to me for advice. That was the first time that I felt really important in his life and I will never forget it; I remember the entire environment. It was right before lunchtime on a sunday, I smelled beef roasting & vegetables microwaving, and I was sitting on my desk chair. I could smell the cork of my bulletin board and the fumes of my new-ish duvet cover. He came into my room and sprawled out on my bed like he always did. And then he told me he didn't know what to do because he thourght he had no chance. He kept twisting one of the pillows on my bed. He said there was this other boy that he was sure she was into, who would win her affections. I told him, hey you are the best boy I even know of. Go for it because if you don't, you'll have to live with knowing you never tried. And then he wanted to know how to go about it. I told him to just keep talking to her and see where it went. And now they're going out, crazy about eachother, and everyone would be surprised if they didn't get married.

Now he's in michigan because he got his dream job there. He wasn't sure about moving all the way out there, but I knew he would love the job. When he asked my opinion, I told him he would always wonder what he missed if he didn't go. Even though I didn't want him to move far away, I love him and want what's best for him.

I am so proud of him and still admire him alot. I miss him alot, and the reason I wanted to "adopt" a brother is because sometimes I meet people who remind me of him a little bit, and it makes me more aware of how much I miss my brother. I don't really know how to go about finding someone who would take it seriously and hang out with me like he was a brother. Cuz that's just wierd.

Kaleidoscope

I had the best time I've had all semester at Ledo's after church today. So glad I went instead of studying more. Because studying is not something I'm going to remember in a year. But I'll remember this trip to Ledo's, haha!

Did you know, too much pizza can make you feel sick. And I seem to have a habit of eating too fast.. I eat past feeling full alot. I'll have to work on that. But the pizza was SO good!

Just one more final left! I am so excited, it feels like summer to me already and I can't wait to see my sister!!!!

<3

Thought of the day

What's the point of not conforming if it changes you?

From the song "Marty" by Five Iron Frenzy

Attachment?

Why is it that males usually have an easier time "moving on" than females do? We both release oxytocin and vasopressin (hormones that both cause feelings of attachment, etc).  http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Guess I'll figure it out later. 

Stuck in traffic and sometimes mediocrity

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover. But I didn't, because I wasn't drinking yesterday. Or any of the days in the week before. And I don't get hangovers from drinking because I always drink enough water to prevent one before I fall asleep. It probly had to do with the fact that I got 6 hrs of sleep instead of my regular 9. And that I ate a bunch of sugar before I went to bed. It's days like this where I hate sugar and think about kicking it out of my diet again. I have lasting energy without it. But I always get lazy and revert to eating whatever hasn't molded in my fridge yet. And those are always things with a lot of sugar or salt. 

 

And after my organic chem final, I promised myself again that I would make a schedule to study regularly instead of sporadically next time.  Is that going to happen? don't ask. Because, in fact, my life is sometimes average (http://mliaverage.tumblr.com/). Which means I come up with good ideas but am often too lazy to follow through with them. 

 

Later, I was driving home. And surprise, Route 1 was a parking lot again. The one day I didn't ride my bike was the day they decided to do construction and close one of the lanes. So things were moving very slowly, when at all, and I was trying to turn left at a light. I almost had to wait through the same light 3 times because people kept deciding to block the intersection right in front of me. So people in the lane next to me were able to get by, and I had to sit there while it was green. I barely got by the second time it was green, though, just as the light was changing to red again... 

 

And I promised to ride my bike all the next times to avoid irony like this. But when winter comes I'll be stuck in traffic again. 

 

Not average

Today, while reading http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/ , I realized that my life is NOT average. 

Bad moods?

Where do bad moods come from, anyway? Do we subconsciously or consciously choose to be unhappy when things don't happen the way we wanted? Can you really just "wake up on the wrong side of the bed"? Can bad moods be prevented? Why are some people in bad moods/more moody than others? Is it personality or circumstance? 

Well I want to know. 

I think you can wake up in a gross mood. And your expectations gotta have alot to do with moods. Like when you expect to have a good time, you usually do. And when you let your happiness rest on shifty things like the weather, you're usually more moody. 

And when you expect the weather to be rainy, its not as bad as expecting it to be sunny and then having it rain. I do think that you can choose to be happy instead of in a bad mood, but sometimes it's comforting to be in a bad mood. I guess it feels good to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. There have to be alot of factors that come into play. I don't think it's just one thing, and that's why its so hard to get rid of bad moods. And you can't really be in a good mood all the time, can you? Besides, it wouldn't be anything special then. 

What about diet? and sleep patterns? If your body feels good because you take care of yourself, then you'll probly be in a good mood more often..

I want to be in a good mood more often. But I eat fairly healthy. And I get 9hrs of sleep a night. And I find that I drift into the best moods when I'm at peace with my good friends, when I'm doing my best in school, and when it's extremely warm and sunny outside. I'll probly end up moving to FL after college. 

Whatever Floats Your Boat..

"Whatever floats your boat" is only the most commonly used out of these phrases. If you ever wondered what the rest were, read on... some are self explanatory as to why they aren't more commonly used. haha. 

whatever floats your boat / blows your skirt up / butters your bicuit / creams your twinkie / flies your flag / floats your root beer / floats your yacht / humps your Camel / lights your candle / mows your lawn / paints your wagon / takes you home / sizzles your bacon / pickles your gherkin / peels your banana / tickles your oyster / tickles your pickle / soothes your religion/ kills your baby... 

Temporary Fufillment

To be able to throw my body into yours,

accepting your embrace as assurance,

acceptance,

security.

To know that you wouldn't change me for the world;

ponytails,

sweatpants,

outspoken.

To know that you can be strong when im not;

broken,

hopeless,

ugly.

To know that you think i'm worthwhile

different,

special,

important.

To know that you believe in me

when i don't.

so i can believe in myself.

 

That is

Temporary

Fufillment.

 

its You i dislike

Why do you have to be like that?

Impossibly S L O W

and completely stupid.

I can't get away from you

Everywhere i turn, I see

You.

Your hair, your jeans.

You're like a traffic jam

that i take alternative routes

to avoid..

I can't tell you how much I hate

the things you do

because i don't hate those things;

it's YOU i dislike.

 

Your voice is the lowest decibal

that my ears can pick up

and it makes me want to shake you

until you YELL or fight back

You wear shoes that you cannot walk in

and clothes that you aren't comfortable in

Actually, nothing is comfortable about you

My whole day is darkened

when i waste time with you

and it's YOU i dislike.

 

Why are you here?

Why do you live life without trying?

Are you just waiting for life to come to you?

It doesn't work that way

Why can't you find something that

you're good at.

I'm not that smart either

but at least I know

my limits.

I wish i could tell you

what bothers me about you,

but its YOU i dislike.

 

And that is not something I can vocalize

without being cruel.

 

old poem

crinkle

i unwrap the paper

that unfolds it

and toss the pink mass

into my happy mouth

I pause for a bit

to remember the texture

of bubblegum.

 

Sweet, and

strangly weird;

it starts out dry and hard, then

becomes a sticky lump

that needs alot of chewing.

The first couple chews

bring the most

amount of pleasure

to my mind,

before the mound

loses its taste

of bubblegum.

 

i peer down

my nose,

thru a pink film

at the sidewalk

And then someone's

finger ruins my

perspective as the bubble pops!

Parts of my cheeks

and nose

and lip

feel gummy and sticky

because they stuck themselves

where they did not belong,

into my wad

of bubblegum

 

Soon my tongue

only recognizes

the texture because

taste is not there

anymore.

Splat. Stick.

Onto the left side

of the trashbag,

my wad lands permanently.

I smile contentedly and

with confident strides,

I remember that the world is waiting for me

And I have had enough

of bubblegum.

Things I woke up thinking about

"What are these? They're really good!" How could a kid not know what cucumbers are? That's so sad.  Yeah, this really happened. 

I watched the movie "Doubt" when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach last night. Mattie put it on my computer, so I figured I'd watch it. It was interesting, but I didn't like how the movie ended when this one nun admitted that she had doubts. Doubts, so what? You're supposed to have them. Otherwise you probly aren't using your brain, just absorbing information because other people believe things. Most people go through periods of having doubts about their faiths. They really do. I personally take it as an opportunity to reevaluate things.  The movie, though, seemed to be saying that doubts are the end of the world. I guess they can be, if you let them. 

Hopefully my washer gets fixed soon. I would like to wear my favorite clothes again. And that huge pile of laundry is going to take 3 or 4 loads to wash. 

I can't wait to go home to see my sister next week! We are planning to have a "Sister Sleepover." We used to have these alot when I lived at home, but obviously haven't had one for a while. We usually buy/make eachother a little present and then play fun games, bake cookies, and do facials, nails etc.  And then one of us gets a sleeping bag and sleeps over in the other's room. One sister sleepover, I think we had a fight during it, so we just went and did our seperate things and didn't bother to finish it.

Which somehow reminds me of dreams. I should start writing them down when I wake up because I find that's often the best way to understand myself and figure out how to fix things. It's worked for alot of problems that I've resolved. 

So there are a couple groups I'm involved with on campus, and they're pretty fun. But sometimes it really bothers me that the coolest people always graduate and never come back, while this one super annoying girl has already graduated, but has stayed a permanent fixture in this one group. There aren't many people who truly ruffle my feathers like this, so I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. So far I've been avoiding her. As if that's a solution. 

birth, bikes, finals

Finally I know what it feels like to give birth. 

Actually i'm just talking about this blog. But hey, it's something I've created. It just doesn't scream. 

 

I'm excited because I have just a week left until I fly home to see my family after 5 months of not seeing them. Today my sister txted me that waiting a week is too long to see me. I wondered, what about the other 4.5 months? 

I've been riding my bike to school every day. Biking is actually faster than driving here because there aren't enough people riding bikes yet to create traffic on the sidewalks. And Route 1 is pretty much a parking lot during the busy times. Plus, walking from my assigned parking lot at school slices 10 -15 minutes out of my day (and I walk fast, for those of you who haven't walked anywhere with me, so its more like 15-20 min for normal people). 

So far the sidewalks have only really been occupied with people who walk in the middle of the sidewalk, baby strollers, and things like construction signs that take up 2/3 of the sidewalk. 

Entertaining stories about riding my bike have been increasing every time I ride, but here's the most recent.

I started using this bike path that goes underneath the road; I'd always known it was there, I just never bothered to use it,  partly because it's dark and slightly creepy. At night there's a light, but in the day your eyes can't adjust to the dim light quick enough. Using the path, though, is much faster than waiting for traffic to stop on the road, since it never does. So today as I was going down this path, another biker came on the path going the opposite direction. He shot out from around the corner sortof suddenly, making my skin jump; then he decided to do a wheelie on his back tire as he went up the steep part of the path. Whaatt? 

Finals Week! Finally! I just don't mind it this semester because I get to go home soon and because my finals are so nicely spread out; one on each day. People keep wishing me luck and all that, but it was the rest of the semester that was hard. Finals is alot of review. People only freak out when they haven't studied the rest of the semester. 

And time to do one of my favorite activites. Sleep!