Secrets

It's a bit disappointing to realize you've found one of the "secrets of life," just to simultaneously realize no one cares. Of course people care about the secret of life part, they just don't care that I've found it.

Parents are more concerned with their children being able to support themselves. Secrets of life are something they're happy to hear about after you've found a steady job, found a man "to take care of you".. you know, the things parents are primarily concerned with.

It's really friends that care about the little steps in your life, the mundane details, the instances that lead to your finding the "secrets" of life. They probably find it more interesting because they're often going through similar life events.

Plus, I've pushed my friends away. Ever since I broke up with my first/only serious boyfriend, I decided I didn't want to be that close to anyone.. for a very, very long time. To lose someone who knew you better than you know yourself.. that's hard to recover from. You can make new friends, but you just can't replace people.

Plus, the people I've since befriended have turned out to be complete idiots. So for now I guess I prefer to keep the secrets of life.. a secret.

Thought of the day

Boyfriend. noun; The nice guy you settle for when you realize that the hot bad boys you fall for are just manwhores who make you cry as often as they make you come.

                                                                    -Urban Dictionary

Better Said

One of the best blog posts I've read in a very long time:
Faking Enthusiasm Over Engagement Announcements
(Pretty much describes my feelings over the past four years).

And no, I will not be going to my brother's wedding, for those of you who were concerned.. Didn't know I had a brother? That's okay, I forget sometimes, too.

Motives

"[He] calls me up to say [he]'s coming over.. So I run home, just to wait around.. I'm so addicted to you, and you're such a dick to me." -Lyrics from Lit

Maybe it's just infatuation, but sometimes you realize you would do anything for someone. Well.. maybe you'd just do alot for them. But how do you know what your motives are? Is it infatuation? Is there a clear line between infatuation (where the perceived end result is probably selfish) and genuine concern for a person? I mean, what if you're both infatuated and genuinely concerned? That can happen, right?

Can you genuinely love a person if you're also infatuated with them? I mean, is that at all possible? I guess you would have to grow out of your infatuation by choosing to look at what's best for them; as opposed to selfish motives. But can you ever completely rid yourself of selfish motives??

I don't know. I mean, think about it. Say you love someone. Someone who's going through a tough time and their life is a mess. If you want to show this person love- and I mean real love (aka loving them for who they are, love that their actions can't change)- well, MOST ways you look at it, you're trying to love them for selfish results. Like so they'll love you back.. or at least appreciate you.. or even just so you can grow up through loving them "selflessly." Can you ever get away from selfish motives?

Are selfish motives even wrong? Should we be trying to get away from them? Aren't they what drive pretty much everything we do? Well, if selfish motives drive essentially all human choices, they can't be all wrong; we'd never be able to win!

Too much thinking, time for bed. Sorry this post didn't end up making much sense.

Quandary

Today is one of those days where I just need comfort food & comfort friends.. I feel restless and life feels new and strange. Not like a worn-in shoe, the way it normal feels.

I always used to have a person who I could run back to; my friendship & interactions with him would remind me what's really important in life.. that most things really aren't worth worrying about.. he would make me laugh and remind me why I love being me.

I don't have that person in my life anymore. So I have to be that person to myself. I have to remind myself what makes me tick, that people do care, and that making the right choices are worth it in the end. Shortcuts and things done for momentary pleasure are just that; they only mean something in the here and now.

I don't really know what I'm trying to explain. I just need to get past this need for comfort from outside sources. People, things.. can be comforting & bring pleasure. But I'm finding that I simply can't rely on just that.

Also, I would like to say:

If you aren't apologetic to a friend about something you did to hurt them, you have no right to call them a friend or even really be in their life.

That's all.