Goals

Sometimes I'm just so unsure of where my life is going. Or how to actually work toward the goals I have. Goals aren't hard to make. It's figuring out exactly to carry them out, day to day, without giving up before the month is over that's hard. Once you make it through a month of practicing a new habit, you're fine. But getting there is tough.

Sometimes I don't have the energy or space of mind to choose the decision I truly want to make. And then I just revert back to my lazy self and don't change for the better.. I end up swimming in the same problems because I lose the momentum of excitement that initially motivated me.

Some people are so good at taking something and working through it until it's finished. AKA my sister Rebecca. She is the most persistent person I've ever known. When she wants something done, she sees it through to the end. No matter how many hurdles she has to jump over, or how many people she has to convince to help her (or do it for her). I'm usually too impatient and afraid that things won't come out right or that they won't be worth the effort. Or that I'll prove myself stupid and worthless in the process. This applies to nearly everything I've come up against this semester: making friends with my roommates, getting enough sleep, studying for my chemistry classes, handling my relationships with males, etc.

Sometimes I wish I could just make a decision ONE TIME. Not each time I come up against it. The more times I have to make the decision, the more times I screw up. But hey, perfection isn't gain. Making mistakes is how you learn.

But I hate making mistakes. And the more leadership positions you take, the more people see your mistakes. I don't think I was cut out to be a leader. It doesn't come naturally to me. And I don't understand why in this culture it's valuable for everyone to bring leadership experience into their career. Why can't the natural born leaders just work together with us followers? Are there just not enough of them?

Anyway, I've made my goal of the week. And this time I'm going to be more persistent in achieving it.

People Suck

You know what? People suck. More specifically, roommates. And even more specifically, roommates who do the following:

1. Has her boyfriend sleep over 2-5 times a week. In the same room as you.

2. Doesn't notify you at all that their boyfriend is going to sleep over, even though you pay just as much rent for the room as she does. And he doesn't pay any rent.

2.5 When she thinks you suspect the boyfriend is coming over, at 1am she tells you "bye, i'll see you tomorrow" and comes back 20 minutes later with the boyfriend. Just to keep you guessing.

3. Brings her boyfriend over to help her make a present for a gift exchange (because she can't tie knots on the edge of a BLANKET on her own?) and argues with with him the first 10 minutes. Even though he came over to help.

4. Sprays perfume that smells like a prostitute with STIs. In our room. On days it's cold outside and opening the windows is not desirable.

5. Talks so loud you sometimes think she's addressing the entire apartment complex, minus you.

6. Tends to talk non-stop only when you're trying to get homework and 2 million other things done. When you have time to talk to her, she is busy..

7. Interrupts every 2.5 sentences you say. Or stops listening at the 2.5 sentence limit.

8. Doesn't respond when you mention anything related to women not needing men or I don't need a boyfriend right now. It's absolutely foreign ground to her.

9. Asks how your day was/what you did, but stops listening as soon as you say anything (apparently the 2.5 sentence limit is generous sometimes).

9.5 Doesn't show adequate, if ANY acknowledgement that she hears you when you tell her: you're going to bed early, need her to put her phone on silent when you sleep, or that you need to get better quality sleep.

10. Texts even more than you, so that you start to wonder who she is txting every 1.7 minutes

11. Sleeps so restlessly that it makes you sleep restlessly.

12. Makes it so hard to get to bed at a reasonable time, that it's not worth trying.

13. Sleeps peacefully through the night and into the morning, through your alarm as you get up to go to class in a zombie state day after day.

14. Still manages to make you like them for who they are.

Still don't get it..

Yes, I love being single.

Yes, I tell people to enjoy their single years, to enjoy friendships with guys, and besides, that we don't need men to be happy.

But sometimes it's not the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. It's more the concept that I can't just choose one. And then I start comparing myself to other girls. You know, the girls that go from relationship to relationship without blinking. Or the ones that have had the same boyfriend for the past 3 years. Or even the girls who have had what I call "1 yr +" boyfriends, whether they're still together or not. At least they've proved to themselves that they're capable of relationships.

I've come to believe I'm not cut out to even be in a relationship. Yes, I can get one night stands, but those get old after a while. When people tell me "but you could have any guy you want" they never realize they actually mean one night stands. Anyone can make a one night stand happen as long as you have relatively okay looks and alcohol. One night stands aren't what girls sit around aching for with their emotions.

Girls do, however, sit around wishing they had boyfriends. And to me it seems like there are way more girls that do this than guys. The million dollar question is WHY? Why do a larger percent of girls waste happiness wishing for a relationship compared to guys? Don't ask me. But let me know if you find out.

I'm happy being single.. for the most part. It's in my weak moments when I want someone to cuddle with or give physical affection that I get frustrated and ask "What's wrong with me, that I'm still single?" And I have yet to find the answer to that question.

Hate List

1. Cell Bio (this class is actually satan)

2. When people are too busy txting to realize you just asked them a question in person.

3. Towels that are always damp

4. When your roommate's txt tone sounds like a train

5. COLD RAINY DAYS

6. Being so tired you can't function properly

7. Roommates preventing you from getting sufficient sleep

8. Mud on white sweatshirt after just bleaching the sweatshirt the day before

9. The way my face only breaks out when I'm stressed (right when I need more stress)

10. Only getting 2 days off for thanksgiving so that it's not worth flying home

11. The fact that words mean almost nothing these days.

12. Having to endure New Years with your family in bum fuck nowhere.. when there are a million fun things to be doing back home

13. The inability to be invisible (people you don't want to talk to always find you.. even in the strangest places)

14. Getting stuck in an elevator and the awkwardness of the fire dept having to break the elevator door open (because a dumb, rude boy jammed the door).

15. When your roommate uses perfume that smells repulsive & its cold outside so opening the windows is not an option

16. Big sisters who would rather someone else be their little sister

17. Craving sweets but not having any in the house

18. Hearing people talk badly about you (misconceptions of you) when they think you're asleep

19. Confusion resulting from overly thorough naps

20. The way that ONLY ugly boys ask me to dance with them

21. Realizing the window of opportunity has passed.. for any situation...

22. ..But especially when you could have opened the door for a hot male trying to bring his bike inside

23. MENSTRUAL PERIODS.

24. the idea of eventually birthing children

25. How some people think PMS is not avoidable.

26. The ridiculous cost of Microsoft Word 2007

27. Trying to work in a group with someone who tells your that their work is perfect & doesn't need editing

28. When people buy you something you don't like, and the awkwardness of wondering whether they'll notice if you give it away

To be continued.. possibly.

What I've learned.. when it comes to break ups

1. Realize that saying "i'll never get over him" is short-sighted.

2. Don't waste time over someone who doesn't feel the same way about you

3. Stop telling them how you feel -THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW (or, at least, their decision will not be swayed by this).

4. DON'T run back

5. FOCUS ON WHY IT ENDED! Remind yourself how the relationship used to hurt you.

6. Move on:

-be the person you want to be, don't let anything stop you. Being single is the very best place to work on self improvement or anything you always wanted to do..

-get involved with people/events (make your world bigger, and they will become a smaller part of your life)

-do something you're good at & love doing every day (builds your confidence)

-manage your time/balance work & play so that you won't get stressed to the point where you "need" him

-Improve yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually (to realize you can be better off without him, plus this helps you feel good about yourself independently of him)

7. Realize that going cold turkey may not work. You may run into him alot if he lives nearby, or you may have mutual friends. If you must deal with him, remind yourself to be polite but only act as a friend would. Avoid backsliding as much as it is possible. Every time you want him back, refer to #5.

8. When memories come into your head, filter them. When a memory that causes undesirable emotions comes along, bounce from it to something else by not allowing your mind to dwell on it. Don't dwell on memories that make you euphoric to the point that you want him back. You're lying to yourself by selectively remembering just the good in the relationship.

9. As it gets easier, allow yourself to deal with the memories more effectively- do NOT block all the memories that upset you. Once you are far enough removed from the situation you will see it more clearly for what it is. Then you will be able to make wiser decisions on how to move on mentally.

My up-and-coming Youtube channel...

http://www.youtube.com/user/checkeredshoelaces

This one's for you

Yesterday morning my favorite great aunt died. We were expecting it, since she'd been sick for a while. It upset me most to hear that she was so sick in the first place. She isn't even the oldest of her sisters. I wish it had been one of the other ones to go, just not her or my Oma (german for grandmother).

There were four sisters, and the other two never had more than a shallow surface conversation with me. My Tante Heidi (tante = aunt in german) was always the one who would come up and talk to anyone, especially the younger generation. I always appreciated that, because when we were visiting the relatives, alot of them just tried to pinpoint whose child I was, how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing in school. That's just how relatives are when they live in a different country. Or maybe they're just like that regardless.

Anyway, my Tante Heidi was always so funny and interesting; she once came up to me and asked if her necklace matched her dress too much. I told her it went well together. I really had no opinion, but her complete openess and random question jolted me into realizing that older people really can be interesting to talk to. I think I was 14 or so at the time.

The last time I saw her was the week we flew up to British Columbia for our cousin's wedding. We were at a lake with some relatives, and she chose me to be her companion. She liked to single people out to tell them secrets. She told me the story of how she & her sisters grew up, as she leaned on my arm and walked along a random trail with our other relatives who paid no attention to Heidi. Alot of them had issues with her because she was tactlessly honest. But she explained all about which sisters got along in her family, and which sister was always the odd one out. I'd had no idea about all this drama, but it intrigued me to realize that they had all been young once. I also wondered why my siblings and I got along much better than they had.

I remember feeling close to her, because she found it worthwhile to really talk to me. I felt like her equal, her friend, not just some little kid hanging out with the old relatives (to whom everyone under 50 is still a child of somebody's). She seemed to have such a vibrant, young spirit in her. I learned to be very open and truthful from her example.

My mom always reminds me to use tact with my honesty. But sometimes I don't listen, because it's more fun to be a Heidi.

Only Halfway There

I won't always love what I'll never have

Won't always these love selfish things,

or live in my regrets

'Cause You'll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

Lyrics (re-arranged) By Jimmy Eat World's song "23"

new poem

Raindrops run down the window,

Mirroring my own face.

The dark, unhappy sky

Reflects my mood and I wonder

Where is the sun?

The storm is over and I wait

In the aftermath,

Trying to figure out what went wrong.

What can I do to fix it?

Nothing.

"That's just the way it is, don't let it get to you."

But i'm not about to become that way;

Hard, or callused to the world.

No.

I am a happy, open spirit.

Determined not to become a mold

of this society.

I want to be free to share,

Free to love, give, and impact-

Even strangers.

I cannot do that if I build a wall

Between them and I,

To protect myself.

So what else can I do,

Besides persevere?

A Big Thank-You

A big thank you to all of my friends who have deserted me when I most needed you. Especially after I was there for you when you needed it.

Thank you so much for showing that you care, that you know how to be a friend, and that you were worth my time, effort, love, and support.

Sarcasm is a better friend than you are.

As it turns out, knowledge really IS power..

So I finally stopped avoiding my trip to the bike store. But my reasons for avoiding it were once again founded.

I went to the college park one because I'd had lunch in downtown college park & was like 20ft away. And since I was on my bike on an 85 degree day, I had even further reason not to go to the other bike store (Proteus, which I've been told is much better because the guys who work there aren't assholes). But I went to this one because I knew what I needed and it wasn't expensive, even when they overcharged me.

So I walk in, ask for a shifter cable, and they asked me if I was going to switch it myself. I said no, I know someone who'll do it for me. Now the respectable thing to have done was for the guy to leave it alone. But no, he asked who it was, and if it was ORC (which are the people on campus who will fix your bike for free). Apparently ORC and this bike store hate eachother.

So I said yes, that I was going to bring it to the ORC for them to switch it, and he didn't seem to like that.

So when I paid for it (a dollar more than it should have been), I asked if there was anything else I could check if this cable didn't fix my gear shifting problems. He did mention that sometimes when that happens, you need to adjust the actual gears (tighten them so they can't slide around so much). But then he says, "But I'm sure your friends at ORC can help you with that."

We are in college, people, not highschool. Why does no one here understand that.

Anyway, my point here is that if I just had the right oil and the right size screwdriver, I could figure it out myself and this stupid bum would not have been able to disrespect me. Yes, knowledge is power.

My brother says "People are just like that. Don't let it get to you." Talk about useless advice. I have been in college park for a year now. And I have one good friend. ONE! (And those of you who know me, know that I make friends easily). The other people I know are only acquaintances. You can't live by yourself and have only one friend AND NOT let people's rudeness get to you. At least I can't. I'm still trying to figure out why this bothers me so, so much.

P.S. It's times like these where I want to go and learn everything in the whole world. But I can only learn so much at once. And by the time I'll finally know lots of things, it will be semi-useless because I'll be old.

Who you gonna call... Ghost Busters!

So I almost had to go to the ER tonite.

I was eating prepackaged soup (you know, the dry kind that you add water to & it has more salt than you need for the next 3 days). I felt a spot that was too concentrated hit the back of my throat, and immediately my throat and chest started to close up. Anaphylactic shock has never happened to me before. I don't have any food allergies. That I know of. Unless this is something new (yea, food allergies can pop up later in life). I immediately drank milk, though, because I was sure this was just caused by too high of a concentration in one spot. Luckily, my throat and chest relaxed as soon as the milk soothed my throat. And then I was really happy to breathe.

Oh, and you wonder what the point of this was? Don't eat pre-packaged soup. Or don't live alone. Or make more time to cook real food. Though none of these are actual solutions so never mind, I guess.

My real question is, how do you tell 911 your address if you can't breathe? Who knows. Except those who died trying.

Pretty Pisst

So today I saw a guy wearing a tshirt that said "Abort born-again Christians". This is exactly what makes me never want to be associated with Christians just because the stereotypes are so hurtful. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I don't relentlessly attack YOUR "lack" of belief! 

And I cannot stand how no one has tolerance for Christians; while Muslims, atheists, Buddhists, etc get all the tolerance they want. People will even listen to their beliefs for the most part. But not Christians; no, people either avoid us, make fun of us, hate us, or pretend to like us while secretly hating us. I say "us" because I want to get back into being being a Christian, but I'm struggling with allowing myself to; I can't respect myself as a Christian if people are going to go off stereotypes without even getting to know me. Labeling yourself Christian these days is like branding yourself with a big tattoo that says YOURE ALL GOING TO HELL. Except that's not at all what I'm here for. 

I KNOW that it's dumb to let other people's opinions and mean comments get in the way of what's important to you. But have you ever tried to accomplish life goals with people continually tearing you down and ridiculing you? Maybe you have, and you've succeeded. But even succeeding in my faith won't prove anything to anyone except me, and that is the difference between faith and most other things. I just want all those mother fuckers to leave me alone. If you need something to make fun of, make sure you distinguish between real Christians & the ones who actually embody the stereotype. And if you don't know the difference, you have no right to make fun of what you're completely unknowledgeable of, so shut the hell up (pun not originally intended. but it's pretty funny now that Ive noticed it).

Ps. My aloe plant is completely dead because my landlord damaged it. I tried to re-plant one of the baby shoots, but it has drowned.

You never have it all figured out..

You never have it all figured out.. figuring out one thing just leads to more of the unknown.

I haven't blogged for ~2 weeks because life has been great; I haven't really had anything to dissect and figure out. 

But just now, I've realized that I have become bored with my life. It's a pretty strange realization to come to. 

At the same time, though, it's sortof a good thing for me, because it means that i've reached a certain stage of stability. I don't live off of constant drama or boys or anything else that causes extreme fluctuations in excitement/frustration/analyzation. I still see-saw between extremes in a few areas of my life, but more in the "normal" areas (ie, getting fit/eating healthy for a week or two, and the opposite the next week) but those are self control issues. The other things were filling certain needs. 

All this is leading me to more questions.  Why do I thrive on excitement? 

1. Does it cover up an emptiness or camoflauge something I'm unhappy with? 

2. Is it just a characteristic of my personality? 

3. Am I afraid my life appears boring to certain people?

I think the third is causing me to realize & deal with the first two. So looking at myself from a (perceived) outside perspective made me realize that my life is boring and why that is. 

So first of all, I have the sort of personality that feels intense highs, followed by intense lows in emotion. My emotions don't naturally stay very stable. I guess the highs are so pleasurable that I used to further intensify them by wild/exciting activities. Of course, that always intensified the lows, too, because that's how emotions work; they always balance out.  

And secondly, I'm still battling  (or trying to avoid) whether to commit to my faith. That's the emptiness that I am reminded of when I look into my life and see lack of excitement about things. I used to have intense excitement about my spirituality because I felt like I was really living.

I'm not sure how to deal with "needing" more excitement in my life.. it usually ends up being destructive excitement. But I'm going to work on that faith of mine & work on finding real, quality excitement. 

Driver Improvement

This paragraph was really funny..

BETWEEN CROSSWALK
Every pedestrian crossing a roadway at any point other than the right place at the right time shall be guilty of a ticketable offense. Such a pedestrian is called a "jay walker", or stupid, dumb, or dead! There is one group of pedestrians who can never, ever jay walk. Blind pedestrians are required to walk in a crosswalk. In other words, blind persons can never jay walk. We drivers will want to yield not only to the blind pedestrians, but to the dumb ones as well.

So at first it sounds like you don't have to yield to pedestrians who are "dumb enough" to jay walk, but then it says you have to yield to them. And then it starts talking about blind people as if to focus on what they can't do.
How polite, MVA.

Another Epiphany

I figured them out! Boys, i mean. And they make so much more sense now...

I've never understood why most guys seem to get over girls with the snap of a finger. Well it's becoming clear to me that they actually protect their feelings alot more than girls do in the first place. We just put all our feelings out there, while guys tend to (in my experience, anyway) keep their affections invisible until they know it's safe to tell you things (and this tends to be never for you if you don't realize how males work).
That, plus, when they are hurt, they just don't show it. I guess alot of this is because of the way our society expects guys to look indestructable. So alot of them may look that way, but they really aren't on the inside.

where are all these epiphanies coming from, anyway? Don't know. 

Happy summer, good job for getting thru finals ppl!

Epiphany

So you know how one of my earlier posts this week was complaining about waking up feeling like I had a hangover? I figured out why, and it does have to do with sugar; see, sugar is hygroscopic, which means it attracts water. If you put sugar on an apple slice, it will form a puddle of water on the top, because the sugar pulls the water out. 

So too much sugar (especially right before bed) can cause similar symptoms as a hangover. That's because the classic hangover is actually caused by dehydration. This is why you can drink alot of alcohol, but as long you drink enough water or eat some fruit (fruits are high in water content) before bed, you won't have a hangover when you wake up.

Oh, and those times you've had way too much alcohol, drank on an empty stomach, or times that you've thrown up (alcohol related or not); the reason it takes around three days for your stomach to feel better is that your stomach cells replace themselves about every three days. So when you damage them, it takes around 3 days to get new ones. 

Yes, science can be fun.  :)

Oh Brother :)

I feel like I need to adopt a brother.

I grew up having an older brother. When I was young, I admired him so much that I tried to be just like him. I listened to "boy music" instead of girly music like my mom wanted me to. I tried to be cool like he was. I made friends with most of his friends. We annoyed eachother to no end, but when he left for college and rarely came back, I realized how much he meant to me. When he came back to visit, I was always really excited and would talk to him as long as he let me. Then I went off to college and then we finally got along and made our brother/sister relationship into something more like a friendship. I got really close to him because I could tell him things that my parents didn't approve of & things that my sister wouldn't understand.

And when he fell in like with the first girl that was good enough for him, he came to me for advice. That was the first time that I felt really important in his life and I will never forget it; I remember the entire environment. It was right before lunchtime on a sunday, I smelled beef roasting & vegetables microwaving, and I was sitting on my desk chair. I could smell the cork of my bulletin board and the fumes of my new-ish duvet cover. He came into my room and sprawled out on my bed like he always did. And then he told me he didn't know what to do because he thourght he had no chance. He kept twisting one of the pillows on my bed. He said there was this other boy that he was sure she was into, who would win her affections. I told him, hey you are the best boy I even know of. Go for it because if you don't, you'll have to live with knowing you never tried. And then he wanted to know how to go about it. I told him to just keep talking to her and see where it went. And now they're going out, crazy about eachother, and everyone would be surprised if they didn't get married.

Now he's in michigan because he got his dream job there. He wasn't sure about moving all the way out there, but I knew he would love the job. When he asked my opinion, I told him he would always wonder what he missed if he didn't go. Even though I didn't want him to move far away, I love him and want what's best for him.

I am so proud of him and still admire him alot. I miss him alot, and the reason I wanted to "adopt" a brother is because sometimes I meet people who remind me of him a little bit, and it makes me more aware of how much I miss my brother. I don't really know how to go about finding someone who would take it seriously and hang out with me like he was a brother. Cuz that's just wierd.

Kaleidoscope

I had the best time I've had all semester at Ledo's after church today. So glad I went instead of studying more. Because studying is not something I'm going to remember in a year. But I'll remember this trip to Ledo's, haha!

Did you know, too much pizza can make you feel sick. And I seem to have a habit of eating too fast.. I eat past feeling full alot. I'll have to work on that. But the pizza was SO good!

Just one more final left! I am so excited, it feels like summer to me already and I can't wait to see my sister!!!!

<3

Thought of the day

What's the point of not conforming if it changes you?

From the song "Marty" by Five Iron Frenzy

Attachment?

Why is it that males usually have an easier time "moving on" than females do? We both release oxytocin and vasopressin (hormones that both cause feelings of attachment, etc).  http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Guess I'll figure it out later. 

Stuck in traffic and sometimes mediocrity

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover. But I didn't, because I wasn't drinking yesterday. Or any of the days in the week before. And I don't get hangovers from drinking because I always drink enough water to prevent one before I fall asleep. It probly had to do with the fact that I got 6 hrs of sleep instead of my regular 9. And that I ate a bunch of sugar before I went to bed. It's days like this where I hate sugar and think about kicking it out of my diet again. I have lasting energy without it. But I always get lazy and revert to eating whatever hasn't molded in my fridge yet. And those are always things with a lot of sugar or salt. 

 

And after my organic chem final, I promised myself again that I would make a schedule to study regularly instead of sporadically next time.  Is that going to happen? don't ask. Because, in fact, my life is sometimes average (http://mliaverage.tumblr.com/). Which means I come up with good ideas but am often too lazy to follow through with them. 

 

Later, I was driving home. And surprise, Route 1 was a parking lot again. The one day I didn't ride my bike was the day they decided to do construction and close one of the lanes. So things were moving very slowly, when at all, and I was trying to turn left at a light. I almost had to wait through the same light 3 times because people kept deciding to block the intersection right in front of me. So people in the lane next to me were able to get by, and I had to sit there while it was green. I barely got by the second time it was green, though, just as the light was changing to red again... 

 

And I promised to ride my bike all the next times to avoid irony like this. But when winter comes I'll be stuck in traffic again. 

 

Not average

Today, while reading http://www.mylifeisaverage.com/ , I realized that my life is NOT average. 

Bad moods?

Where do bad moods come from, anyway? Do we subconsciously or consciously choose to be unhappy when things don't happen the way we wanted? Can you really just "wake up on the wrong side of the bed"? Can bad moods be prevented? Why are some people in bad moods/more moody than others? Is it personality or circumstance? 

Well I want to know. 

I think you can wake up in a gross mood. And your expectations gotta have alot to do with moods. Like when you expect to have a good time, you usually do. And when you let your happiness rest on shifty things like the weather, you're usually more moody. 

And when you expect the weather to be rainy, its not as bad as expecting it to be sunny and then having it rain. I do think that you can choose to be happy instead of in a bad mood, but sometimes it's comforting to be in a bad mood. I guess it feels good to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. There have to be alot of factors that come into play. I don't think it's just one thing, and that's why its so hard to get rid of bad moods. And you can't really be in a good mood all the time, can you? Besides, it wouldn't be anything special then. 

What about diet? and sleep patterns? If your body feels good because you take care of yourself, then you'll probly be in a good mood more often..

I want to be in a good mood more often. But I eat fairly healthy. And I get 9hrs of sleep a night. And I find that I drift into the best moods when I'm at peace with my good friends, when I'm doing my best in school, and when it's extremely warm and sunny outside. I'll probly end up moving to FL after college. 

Whatever Floats Your Boat..

"Whatever floats your boat" is only the most commonly used out of these phrases. If you ever wondered what the rest were, read on... some are self explanatory as to why they aren't more commonly used. haha. 

whatever floats your boat / blows your skirt up / butters your bicuit / creams your twinkie / flies your flag / floats your root beer / floats your yacht / humps your Camel / lights your candle / mows your lawn / paints your wagon / takes you home / sizzles your bacon / pickles your gherkin / peels your banana / tickles your oyster / tickles your pickle / soothes your religion/ kills your baby... 

Temporary Fufillment

To be able to throw my body into yours,

accepting your embrace as assurance,

acceptance,

security.

To know that you wouldn't change me for the world;

ponytails,

sweatpants,

outspoken.

To know that you can be strong when im not;

broken,

hopeless,

ugly.

To know that you think i'm worthwhile

different,

special,

important.

To know that you believe in me

when i don't.

so i can believe in myself.

 

That is

Temporary

Fufillment.

 

its You i dislike

Why do you have to be like that?

Impossibly S L O W

and completely stupid.

I can't get away from you

Everywhere i turn, I see

You.

Your hair, your jeans.

You're like a traffic jam

that i take alternative routes

to avoid..

I can't tell you how much I hate

the things you do

because i don't hate those things;

it's YOU i dislike.

 

Your voice is the lowest decibal

that my ears can pick up

and it makes me want to shake you

until you YELL or fight back

You wear shoes that you cannot walk in

and clothes that you aren't comfortable in

Actually, nothing is comfortable about you

My whole day is darkened

when i waste time with you

and it's YOU i dislike.

 

Why are you here?

Why do you live life without trying?

Are you just waiting for life to come to you?

It doesn't work that way

Why can't you find something that

you're good at.

I'm not that smart either

but at least I know

my limits.

I wish i could tell you

what bothers me about you,

but its YOU i dislike.

 

And that is not something I can vocalize

without being cruel.

 

old poem

crinkle

i unwrap the paper

that unfolds it

and toss the pink mass

into my happy mouth

I pause for a bit

to remember the texture

of bubblegum.

 

Sweet, and

strangly weird;

it starts out dry and hard, then

becomes a sticky lump

that needs alot of chewing.

The first couple chews

bring the most

amount of pleasure

to my mind,

before the mound

loses its taste

of bubblegum.

 

i peer down

my nose,

thru a pink film

at the sidewalk

And then someone's

finger ruins my

perspective as the bubble pops!

Parts of my cheeks

and nose

and lip

feel gummy and sticky

because they stuck themselves

where they did not belong,

into my wad

of bubblegum

 

Soon my tongue

only recognizes

the texture because

taste is not there

anymore.

Splat. Stick.

Onto the left side

of the trashbag,

my wad lands permanently.

I smile contentedly and

with confident strides,

I remember that the world is waiting for me

And I have had enough

of bubblegum.

Things I woke up thinking about

"What are these? They're really good!" How could a kid not know what cucumbers are? That's so sad.  Yeah, this really happened. 

I watched the movie "Doubt" when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach last night. Mattie put it on my computer, so I figured I'd watch it. It was interesting, but I didn't like how the movie ended when this one nun admitted that she had doubts. Doubts, so what? You're supposed to have them. Otherwise you probly aren't using your brain, just absorbing information because other people believe things. Most people go through periods of having doubts about their faiths. They really do. I personally take it as an opportunity to reevaluate things.  The movie, though, seemed to be saying that doubts are the end of the world. I guess they can be, if you let them. 

Hopefully my washer gets fixed soon. I would like to wear my favorite clothes again. And that huge pile of laundry is going to take 3 or 4 loads to wash. 

I can't wait to go home to see my sister next week! We are planning to have a "Sister Sleepover." We used to have these alot when I lived at home, but obviously haven't had one for a while. We usually buy/make eachother a little present and then play fun games, bake cookies, and do facials, nails etc.  And then one of us gets a sleeping bag and sleeps over in the other's room. One sister sleepover, I think we had a fight during it, so we just went and did our seperate things and didn't bother to finish it.

Which somehow reminds me of dreams. I should start writing them down when I wake up because I find that's often the best way to understand myself and figure out how to fix things. It's worked for alot of problems that I've resolved. 

So there are a couple groups I'm involved with on campus, and they're pretty fun. But sometimes it really bothers me that the coolest people always graduate and never come back, while this one super annoying girl has already graduated, but has stayed a permanent fixture in this one group. There aren't many people who truly ruffle my feathers like this, so I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. So far I've been avoiding her. As if that's a solution. 

birth, bikes, finals

Finally I know what it feels like to give birth. 

Actually i'm just talking about this blog. But hey, it's something I've created. It just doesn't scream. 

 

I'm excited because I have just a week left until I fly home to see my family after 5 months of not seeing them. Today my sister txted me that waiting a week is too long to see me. I wondered, what about the other 4.5 months? 

I've been riding my bike to school every day. Biking is actually faster than driving here because there aren't enough people riding bikes yet to create traffic on the sidewalks. And Route 1 is pretty much a parking lot during the busy times. Plus, walking from my assigned parking lot at school slices 10 -15 minutes out of my day (and I walk fast, for those of you who haven't walked anywhere with me, so its more like 15-20 min for normal people). 

So far the sidewalks have only really been occupied with people who walk in the middle of the sidewalk, baby strollers, and things like construction signs that take up 2/3 of the sidewalk. 

Entertaining stories about riding my bike have been increasing every time I ride, but here's the most recent.

I started using this bike path that goes underneath the road; I'd always known it was there, I just never bothered to use it,  partly because it's dark and slightly creepy. At night there's a light, but in the day your eyes can't adjust to the dim light quick enough. Using the path, though, is much faster than waiting for traffic to stop on the road, since it never does. So today as I was going down this path, another biker came on the path going the opposite direction. He shot out from around the corner sortof suddenly, making my skin jump; then he decided to do a wheelie on his back tire as he went up the steep part of the path. Whaatt? 

Finals Week! Finally! I just don't mind it this semester because I get to go home soon and because my finals are so nicely spread out; one on each day. People keep wishing me luck and all that, but it was the rest of the semester that was hard. Finals is alot of review. People only freak out when they haven't studied the rest of the semester. 

And time to do one of my favorite activites. Sleep!