What I've learned.. when it comes to break ups

1. Realize that saying "i'll never get over him" is short-sighted.

2. Don't waste time over someone who doesn't feel the same way about you

3. Stop telling them how you feel -THEY DON'T WANT TO KNOW (or, at least, their decision will not be swayed by this).

4. DON'T run back

5. FOCUS ON WHY IT ENDED! Remind yourself how the relationship used to hurt you.

6. Move on:

-be the person you want to be, don't let anything stop you. Being single is the very best place to work on self improvement or anything you always wanted to do..

-get involved with people/events (make your world bigger, and they will become a smaller part of your life)

-do something you're good at & love doing every day (builds your confidence)

-manage your time/balance work & play so that you won't get stressed to the point where you "need" him

-Improve yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually (to realize you can be better off without him, plus this helps you feel good about yourself independently of him)

7. Realize that going cold turkey may not work. You may run into him alot if he lives nearby, or you may have mutual friends. If you must deal with him, remind yourself to be polite but only act as a friend would. Avoid backsliding as much as it is possible. Every time you want him back, refer to #5.

8. When memories come into your head, filter them. When a memory that causes undesirable emotions comes along, bounce from it to something else by not allowing your mind to dwell on it. Don't dwell on memories that make you euphoric to the point that you want him back. You're lying to yourself by selectively remembering just the good in the relationship.

9. As it gets easier, allow yourself to deal with the memories more effectively- do NOT block all the memories that upset you. Once you are far enough removed from the situation you will see it more clearly for what it is. Then you will be able to make wiser decisions on how to move on mentally.

My up-and-coming Youtube channel...

http://www.youtube.com/user/checkeredshoelaces

This one's for you

Yesterday morning my favorite great aunt died. We were expecting it, since she'd been sick for a while. It upset me most to hear that she was so sick in the first place. She isn't even the oldest of her sisters. I wish it had been one of the other ones to go, just not her or my Oma (german for grandmother).

There were four sisters, and the other two never had more than a shallow surface conversation with me. My Tante Heidi (tante = aunt in german) was always the one who would come up and talk to anyone, especially the younger generation. I always appreciated that, because when we were visiting the relatives, alot of them just tried to pinpoint whose child I was, how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, and what I was doing in school. That's just how relatives are when they live in a different country. Or maybe they're just like that regardless.

Anyway, my Tante Heidi was always so funny and interesting; she once came up to me and asked if her necklace matched her dress too much. I told her it went well together. I really had no opinion, but her complete openess and random question jolted me into realizing that older people really can be interesting to talk to. I think I was 14 or so at the time.

The last time I saw her was the week we flew up to British Columbia for our cousin's wedding. We were at a lake with some relatives, and she chose me to be her companion. She liked to single people out to tell them secrets. She told me the story of how she & her sisters grew up, as she leaned on my arm and walked along a random trail with our other relatives who paid no attention to Heidi. Alot of them had issues with her because she was tactlessly honest. But she explained all about which sisters got along in her family, and which sister was always the odd one out. I'd had no idea about all this drama, but it intrigued me to realize that they had all been young once. I also wondered why my siblings and I got along much better than they had.

I remember feeling close to her, because she found it worthwhile to really talk to me. I felt like her equal, her friend, not just some little kid hanging out with the old relatives (to whom everyone under 50 is still a child of somebody's). She seemed to have such a vibrant, young spirit in her. I learned to be very open and truthful from her example.

My mom always reminds me to use tact with my honesty. But sometimes I don't listen, because it's more fun to be a Heidi.

Only Halfway There

I won't always love what I'll never have

Won't always these love selfish things,

or live in my regrets

'Cause You'll sit alone forever

If you wait for the right time

What are you hoping for?

Lyrics (re-arranged) By Jimmy Eat World's song "23"

new poem

Raindrops run down the window,

Mirroring my own face.

The dark, unhappy sky

Reflects my mood and I wonder

Where is the sun?

The storm is over and I wait

In the aftermath,

Trying to figure out what went wrong.

What can I do to fix it?

Nothing.

"That's just the way it is, don't let it get to you."

But i'm not about to become that way;

Hard, or callused to the world.

No.

I am a happy, open spirit.

Determined not to become a mold

of this society.

I want to be free to share,

Free to love, give, and impact-

Even strangers.

I cannot do that if I build a wall

Between them and I,

To protect myself.

So what else can I do,

Besides persevere?

A Big Thank-You

A big thank you to all of my friends who have deserted me when I most needed you. Especially after I was there for you when you needed it.

Thank you so much for showing that you care, that you know how to be a friend, and that you were worth my time, effort, love, and support.

Sarcasm is a better friend than you are.

As it turns out, knowledge really IS power..

So I finally stopped avoiding my trip to the bike store. But my reasons for avoiding it were once again founded.

I went to the college park one because I'd had lunch in downtown college park & was like 20ft away. And since I was on my bike on an 85 degree day, I had even further reason not to go to the other bike store (Proteus, which I've been told is much better because the guys who work there aren't assholes). But I went to this one because I knew what I needed and it wasn't expensive, even when they overcharged me.

So I walk in, ask for a shifter cable, and they asked me if I was going to switch it myself. I said no, I know someone who'll do it for me. Now the respectable thing to have done was for the guy to leave it alone. But no, he asked who it was, and if it was ORC (which are the people on campus who will fix your bike for free). Apparently ORC and this bike store hate eachother.

So I said yes, that I was going to bring it to the ORC for them to switch it, and he didn't seem to like that.

So when I paid for it (a dollar more than it should have been), I asked if there was anything else I could check if this cable didn't fix my gear shifting problems. He did mention that sometimes when that happens, you need to adjust the actual gears (tighten them so they can't slide around so much). But then he says, "But I'm sure your friends at ORC can help you with that."

We are in college, people, not highschool. Why does no one here understand that.

Anyway, my point here is that if I just had the right oil and the right size screwdriver, I could figure it out myself and this stupid bum would not have been able to disrespect me. Yes, knowledge is power.

My brother says "People are just like that. Don't let it get to you." Talk about useless advice. I have been in college park for a year now. And I have one good friend. ONE! (And those of you who know me, know that I make friends easily). The other people I know are only acquaintances. You can't live by yourself and have only one friend AND NOT let people's rudeness get to you. At least I can't. I'm still trying to figure out why this bothers me so, so much.

P.S. It's times like these where I want to go and learn everything in the whole world. But I can only learn so much at once. And by the time I'll finally know lots of things, it will be semi-useless because I'll be old.

Who you gonna call... Ghost Busters!

So I almost had to go to the ER tonite.

I was eating prepackaged soup (you know, the dry kind that you add water to & it has more salt than you need for the next 3 days). I felt a spot that was too concentrated hit the back of my throat, and immediately my throat and chest started to close up. Anaphylactic shock has never happened to me before. I don't have any food allergies. That I know of. Unless this is something new (yea, food allergies can pop up later in life). I immediately drank milk, though, because I was sure this was just caused by too high of a concentration in one spot. Luckily, my throat and chest relaxed as soon as the milk soothed my throat. And then I was really happy to breathe.

Oh, and you wonder what the point of this was? Don't eat pre-packaged soup. Or don't live alone. Or make more time to cook real food. Though none of these are actual solutions so never mind, I guess.

My real question is, how do you tell 911 your address if you can't breathe? Who knows. Except those who died trying.

Pretty Pisst

So today I saw a guy wearing a tshirt that said "Abort born-again Christians". This is exactly what makes me never want to be associated with Christians just because the stereotypes are so hurtful. JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! I don't relentlessly attack YOUR "lack" of belief! 

And I cannot stand how no one has tolerance for Christians; while Muslims, atheists, Buddhists, etc get all the tolerance they want. People will even listen to their beliefs for the most part. But not Christians; no, people either avoid us, make fun of us, hate us, or pretend to like us while secretly hating us. I say "us" because I want to get back into being being a Christian, but I'm struggling with allowing myself to; I can't respect myself as a Christian if people are going to go off stereotypes without even getting to know me. Labeling yourself Christian these days is like branding yourself with a big tattoo that says YOURE ALL GOING TO HELL. Except that's not at all what I'm here for. 

I KNOW that it's dumb to let other people's opinions and mean comments get in the way of what's important to you. But have you ever tried to accomplish life goals with people continually tearing you down and ridiculing you? Maybe you have, and you've succeeded. But even succeeding in my faith won't prove anything to anyone except me, and that is the difference between faith and most other things. I just want all those mother fuckers to leave me alone. If you need something to make fun of, make sure you distinguish between real Christians & the ones who actually embody the stereotype. And if you don't know the difference, you have no right to make fun of what you're completely unknowledgeable of, so shut the hell up (pun not originally intended. but it's pretty funny now that Ive noticed it).

Ps. My aloe plant is completely dead because my landlord damaged it. I tried to re-plant one of the baby shoots, but it has drowned.